Coming Clean
by kgmohror
Summary: A secret from Lou's past has come between them, but Miss McCloud is finally ready to risk her heart again with Kid ... who is also holding a secret.
**Coming Clean**

 _Note: This is set immediately after the third season episode, "Goodnight, Sweet Charlotte." I can't guarantee it's completely canon-compliant, since I haven't seen the series in 20 years and may have forgotten some details. However, I've tried to stay as close to the series as possible._

"Kid!"

The tall, young Virginian turned at the sound of his name and smiled at his fellow Express rider, Lou McCloud, hurrying toward him.

"Hey," he greeted her, a little surprised to find her in town.

He'd just ridden in himself after a three-day run — one he'd been hesitant to take, given Lou's fragile emotional state. She'd taken her old friend Charlotte's death, and its equally tragic aftermath, pretty hard. Every inch of him had wanted to trade this run off with Jimmy or Noah, to stay close to Lou in case she needed him. But he was afraid of "crowding" Louise, as she'd accused him of in the past. His obsessive need to protect her had driven a wedge between them, and Kid had had several miserable months to think on where he'd gone wrong.

It was only in the past few weeks, since he'd said goodbye to the last ties to his childhood, Doritha and Garth, that Kid had begun to hope he and Lou might find their way back to each other again. Kid was bound and determined not to do anything that might jeopardize that dream … though he'd slipped up when he went to Charlotte behind Lou's back. It had been wrong, but Lou had seemed so rattled, and the thought of anything hurting her just about tore Kid in two.

Lou had caught up with Kid by now, fallen into step beside him.

"I'm ready to talk now," Lou said quietly.

"You don't have to."

"I want to."

"Then I'm ready to listen," he assured her, hoping it was true.

"I thought … maybe we could so somewhere a little more private," she said, and he nodded in agreement.

They collected Lightning and Katy and headed out of town, Kid allowing Lou to set the pace and direction. Despite her assertion that she was ready to talk, Lou had lapsed into an uneasy silence. Riding beside her, Kid saw her chewing her lower lip nervously, never looking in his direction. He felt his own anxiety begin to grow. He hoped he'd know how to respond when she told what had her so upset, show her how much he cherished her, no matter what he learned about her past.

The two horses picked their way through the rugged, somewhat barren landscape until an oasis appeared ahead of them: the creek for which their waystation was named. In contrast to the gray-brown scrub of the prairie, the land along the banks of Cold Creek was verdant and green, lined with trees, grasses and even wildflowers. Lou guided Lightning beneath a big willow, slid out of the saddle and tethered the horse loosely to a low-hanging branch. Kid follow suit, then ambled after her as she approached the twisted ribbon of rushing water and sat down on the bank. Kid sat beside her.

"I love it here," Lou said after a moment.

"Yeah." It was one of Kid's favorite retreats as well, a peaceful place that encouraged a person to settle down and just think a spell.

"It reminds me of the old swimmin' hole at Sweetwater, remember?" she said, turning to him with an enigmatic smile.

"I sure do." That small body of water had been the scene of some memorable times for the two of them, and Kid flushed a little, recalling some very private moments they'd enjoyed there.

"Seems like a long time ago now," Lou continued. "So much has changed since then."

Kid nodded slowly. "I reckon that's true." Then, hoping it wouldn't be a step too far, he added, "But some things are still the same."

Lou gave him a warm, slightly shy smile, then turned her attention to the fast-moving current below them. "I was thinkin' today about when you found out about me not bein' a boy. I was so sure you were gonna tell. But you didn't."

He shrugged. "Wasn't my place."

"That was the first time in my whole life I realized that there's some men in the world who can be trusted. Some men who are good."

She looked at him quickly, then lowered her eyes. "You _are_ a good man, Kid. Best I've ever known. Too good for the likes of me."

At that, Kid turned toward her and grabbed her slim shoulders in his big hands, gently forcing her to face him. "That ain't true, Lou, and there's nothin' you can tell me that will change my thinking on that."

She shook her head, closing her eyes against his intense gaze.

"There's things about me you don't know, Kid. Things I never wanted you to find out."

"You don't need to say anything more, Lou," Kid urged. "I know who Charlotte was, and what Wicks was to her. And-" He felt his face grow hot. "I-I already knew I wasn't your first."

Lou's eyes flew open and she reared back from him. "That's not true!" she exclaimed. "Yeah, I worked for Wicks, but I never sold myself like Charlotte and the other girls. And I ain't sayin' I judge 'em, because they did what they had to do to survive. But that wasn't how it was with me!"

Kid was stricken to see tears standing in her big, brown eyes.

"I'm sorry, Lou. I just-"

"I ain't never been with any other man the way I was with you," Lou kept on, a note of desperation in her voice. "Never wanted to be, 'afore or since." She lowered her head, then, and Kid saw a tear drop from her eye to the ground under her.

"I didn't meant to hurt ya, Lou," Kid said hurriedly, feeling a tightness in his throat as he saw her body trembling with grief. "I just wanted you to know it doesn't matter; nothing from your past can change who you are to me."

He longed to pull her into his embrace, but she had wrapped her arms around her thin frame, closing in on herself. Closing him out.

"It's true I wasn't a – a – maid when we made love in Redfern," she murmured. "But that warn't by my choice."

Her words sent a sudden chill through Kid. "What are you sayin', Lou?"

She sighed and rested her chin on her bent-up knees. "Wicks gave me a job doin' laundry at his place," she said. "It was after I ran away from the orphanage, half-starved and not knowin' what was gonna happen to me. When I met Wicks on the street and he offered me a place …" she paused, and then laughed bitterly. "I was grateful."

Kid knew what was coming now, and wanted to scream at her to stop, to not say the words that would lay bare how badly she had been hurt. But she continued on.

"One night, he … he broke into my room. I tried to fight him off. I screamed and screamed for somebody to help me. But nobody came."

"Aw, Lou …" The words were torn from Kid's throat, thick with anguish and a growing rage.

"I didn't even understand what was happenin.' Growin' up in the orphanage with the sisters, I didn't know much about the world back then. I learned a lot that night. Enough to know I didn't want nobody touchin' me … hurtin' me … that way ever again. Charlotte helped me escape the next morning, and that's when I cut my hair and started livin' as a boy."

Suddenly, a moment in time flashed before Kid's eyes. "Is that why you cried? I mean when we were together at Redfern?" He was sick at the thought that being with him had brought back all those painful memories.

She shook her head. "No! No … I mean, not because of anything you did, Kid. Yes, I did think about it. Not during, but … after. I just kept wishin' things had been different. You were so sweet, so gentle … why couldn't that have been my first time? I wanted so much to be the innocent, good girl you thought I was, Kid."

He couldn't stop himself, then, from throwing his arms around her and dragging her close to him. She was stiff a moment, but as he rocked her, murmuring soft words through the tears that coursed down his cheeks, he felt her begin to melt against him.

"I'm so sorry, Kid," she sobbed against him, and that made him clutch her tighter against him.

"My God, Lou! You got nothin' to be sorry for! You were just a little girl, and he hurt you that way? I can't blame you for being tempted to shoot that bastard dead. I would have done it myself, if I'd known."

She pushed her palms against his chest, creating enough space for her to look up at him, wide-eyed. "No, Kid! I thank God you rode up when you did, to remind me of what was right. No matter what he done, I couldn't lower myself to his level."

"If anybody deserved killin', Wicks did," Kid insisted bitterly. "I wish I could go back and do it for ya."

Lou was looking increasingly distressed. "Don't say such things. Travis McKay is sitting in a jail cell right now, facing a noose for shooting an unarmed man. That's not what Charlotte would want for the man she loved. That's not what I'd want for … for you."

Kid almost began to argue with her, but then stopped and nodded his head in defeat. "I know you're right. It's just hard, Lou. Seeing you hurting, it tears me up inside."

"Are you sorry I said anything, Kid? Does it … change how you look at me?"

"How can you even think that?" Kid answered, genuinely shocked. "Don't you know by now there's nothing could make me think less of you. If anything, I'm even more in awe. You've been through so much, and you're just so strong."

She chuckled a little at that. "Don't always feel so strong, to be honest." She lay her head against his chest and sighed. "I was so scared to tell anybody what happened. You most of all."

"I'm glad you told me, Lou. Not for myself. But if talking about it helps lighten this burden you've been carryin', makes you a little easier in your own mind, then it's a good thing."

He felt her nod against his chest. "You're right. Now I wish I'd said something 'afore this. Maybe if not for havin' this secret standing between us for so long … things might have been different." She looked up at him, reached to stroke his cheek with her small, soft palm. "I don't want no more secrets between us, Kid."

Her words cut him like a knife. Even as she relaxed against him, warm and safe in his arms, Kid's inner turmoil only grew. No more secrets. But he had one of his own, one he had vowed never to share it with anybody.

 _Things might have been different,_ Lou had said, if she'd shared her past with him before.

 _No more secrets_.

The two riders stayed cuddled up together like that for a long while, listening to the water rushing past and the birds and insects making their noises in the trees, and feeling the sun warm on them. Kid wanted to stay that way forever, in this moment of peace with the woman who meant more than the whole world to him.

 _No more secrets._

He knew what he had to do.

"Ma used to say pa was the handsomest man in the county."

Lou lifted her head, a little startled at his abrupt statement. She smiled at him. "You must favor your pa, then."

Kid felt his jaw clench. "If I thought that was true," he said harshly, "I'd cut my own throat."

Now Lou sat up, pulling away so she could get a good look at him. His arms immediately felt empty without her in them.

"I had the feeling you and your pa weren't close," Lou began, but Kid interrupted her.

"My father was nothin' but a drunk," Kid spat. "A mean, nasty drunk who wanted to be a big man. But he never amounted to nothin' and took out his frustration on those closest to him."

Lou said nothing, just sat quietly and waited for him to tell his story.

"Pa used his fists on his own family more times than I could count," Kid continued in a tone almost too low for Lou to hear. "Jed ran off as soon as he was old enough to do for himself. That left me and ma to bear the brunt of his rages. Ma, mostly."

Painful visions, memories of that time, swam before Kid's eyes. He'd spent years trying to forget. Now he had to face it all, and he felt like he was going to be sick. Then Lou placed a hand softly on his arm, and he drew strength from that gentle contact.

"I hated seein' my ma with her eyes blackened and lip split, again and again. I vowed someday I'd stand up to pa, make him leave us alone. I scraped together enough money to buy an old pistol, and I learned to shoot it. Used to practice two, three hours a day, 'til it was too dark to see my targets. Then I'd lay awake in the dark, night after night, waiting for pa to come stumblin' in from the saloon."

"You never thought of leaving, like Jed did?" Lou asked softly.

He shook his head. "And leave ma to that animal? I used to beg her to come with me, run away some day while pa was off drinkin'. But she never would. Said she wasn't raised that way. A woman stayed with her man, no matter what." One corner of his mouth turned up in a bitter half-smile. "She used to say, 'I've made my bed; now I gotta lie in it.'"

"But eventually you got away," Lou noted. "Or did run off himself, like you said when Jed was here?"

Kid seemed not to have heard her. He was staring into space, lost in memory. "One night, pa came home even later'n usual. He was crazy with drink. I woke up to the sound of my ma screaming, her beggin' him to leave me alone. Then the sounds of him slapping her, and ma cryin' and moanin'. I'd hid my gun in the barn, so I climbed out the window and ran to fetch it. I was gonna make my stand, tell him to get the hell out and never come back."

He paused, and his face took on a haunted expression. His eyes were wide and his lips trembled like a frightened child. He took a deep, shuddering breath.

"Just as I came in the door, my gun in my hand, I saw pa swing at ma and knock her down. This time she didn't get up."

"Oh, Kid!" Lou gasped. Kid felt her fingers digging into his arm.

"I was too late. He killed her," Kid said in a monotone. "Then he turned around and started for me. My ma's blood was on his hands, on his shirt. And when he raised his fists to me, I – I-" Suddenly he broke off and buried his face in his hands. Lou leaned closer and placed her hand on his back, rubbing small, soothing circles over his taut muscles as he sobbed. "I shot him, Lou," he whimpered. "I killed my own pa!"

Kid continued to weep, and Lou kept on holding him, until at last the sobs subsided. He straightened up and wiped his eyes with the backs of his hands. "I'm sorry, Lou," he said. "I hate you to see me so weak like this, blubberin' like a baby."

"Hesh," Lou whispered. "Ain't nothin' to be ashamed of; anybody would react the same way."

"I'd give anything to be able to go back in time, get there just a second earlier. My ma deserved better than to die that way."

"Maybe that's why you're always so protective of ladies," Lou mused. "Why you can't help steppin' in when you think a woman's in trouble." She ruffled her fingers through his chestnut curls. "'Specially me."

He nodded. "I reckon so. I'm sorry I crowded you so back then, Lou. I know you can take care of yourself. But just the thought of something happening to you scares me so much, I go half crazy."

"I think I understand," Lou answered, "And now you know why it's so hard for _me_ to allow anybody … to let you get close to me, much as I might want to."

"We make quite a pair," Kid noted with a wry smile.

"What happened after you … did what you had to do to your pa?" Lou asked now.

"I ran," he said. "Kept on running, right up to the day I joined the riders." He looked at Lou sadly. "I'm a wanted man, Lou. If anybody was to find out who I am …"

She grabbed his chin between her thumb and forefinger and stared into his blue eyes. "Nobody's gonna find out, Kid. The West is full of folks like us, leaving our pasts behind to start out fresh. As far as I'm concerned, you're just Kid. A good man." She slipped her hand in his and smiled up at him until he couldn't help but smile back. He opened his arms a little, and she scooted close enough for him to fold them around her again. They sat in silence, thinking about the long-hidden truths they'd exchanged.

"It's gettin' late," Lou said a while later, sighing a little. "I guess we'd better be gettin' back to the station or Teaspoon will send out a posse to find us."

Kid nodded regretfully, getting to his feet and extending a hand to help Lou to hers. "I'd like to come here again sometime," he said, gazing around the scene as they mounted their horses. "With you, I mean. Just the two of us."

"I'd like that, too," Lou said, giving him a bashful, sidelong look.

As they started down the trail toward home, something occurred to Kid. "I never did get a chance to thank you properly for that shirt you gave me the other day."

She shrugged. "Aw, weren't nothin' special."

"It was pretty special to me," he answered seriously. "And it wasn't even my birthday or nothin'."

Lou laughed. "Well, Kid, I don't know when your birthday is. But I've known you upwards of two years now, and I guess you've had at least one birthday in all that time."

They rode on in companionable silence a moment. Then Kid said casually, "I don't recall you givin' any of the other boys a birthday present."

Lou turned that sly, sweet smile on him again. "No, I don't reckon I have."

Kid felt a smile forming on his face. "It sure is a nice shirt, Lou. Nicest I've ever had, I guess."

"I'm glad you like it." Coyly, she looked at him from under her long lashes. "Seems like the sort of shirt that would feel right comfortable while a fella was, say, dancin'."

Kid thought his face might split in half, he was smiling so big. "I believe it might at that," he agreed. "And it just so happens, I heard there was gonna be a dance at the church hall on Saturday night."

"Well, now, that's a stroke of luck. It will be a chance for you to try it out. If you was planning on attendin', that is." Lou's smile was as broad as Kid's.

"I think I could be persuaded."

"'Course, I won't be able to help you test it out, seein' as I'll have to go as a boy and all."

"Seems like we might find some way around that," Kid replied lightly.

Lou made of show of considering. "I guess. We've managed before." She gave Kid a wink, causing him to tip his head back and laugh out loud.

"Beat ya back to the bunkhouse!" Lou shouted suddenly, spurring Lightning into a gallop.

Kid dug his knees into Katy's sides and followed the sound of her laughter, the siren song that would always lead him home.


End file.
